Goodbye, finally

[ The Public Garden ]
-Somewhere within the public garden either relaxing and taking a leisurely stroll, or tending to the plants and trees growing here...-

          Finding a spot, pushing down to sit in the soft grass, Jycinda looked around and then plucked a daisy. She stared for quiet some time at the flower in her hand before she shrugged and started her own game of -he loves me, he loves me not-. The first pluck of the petal came "You're selfish", soon after with a little bit of thought came the second pluck "You're conceited". The third and fourth petals plucked rather rapidly as she added in "You're narcissistic and have the emotional stability of a teenage boy". Five and six came soon after as well with quick pulls "You're undependable and refuse to accept your own flaws". Looking to the remaining petals, she shrugged and pulled all but one of those out to "and now you're going bald". Dropping the abused daisy to the ground, she stared at it, for quite some time where she sat. Lips pursed in a puckered line, though the well of release inside felt pretty good. Really excellent in fact and she looked around feeling like a cloud of sooe sort was lifted. Truth be told it could be a limited amount of time, there was no anger, no hate, no sadness or fear, there was only peace and it was nice..

Journalling through role play

It was there, in the courtyard, where she usually found herself. Tonight was no exception as she carried the basket of herbs and found a place to settle. A small bit of cool crisp grass within the garden. A place of sanctuary to be found in the harsh realities of life in Kar. How odd it was, that this quiet little slice of comfort was smack dab in the middle of a complex of killers.


Setting the basket down within her lap as she settled informally on the ground, she closed her eyes and began working with the two new herbs. Splitting them ff by touch and smell. Closing her eyes as she worked and pondered what kind of slave she was in this new sense of life. She'd known many different facets of her slavery through out her life and usually was able to adapt various bits and pieces of them in order to conform to each others individual needs and wants.


As she shifted through the herbs and sorted them, she too sorted through her thoughts, she wasn't a stable slave, or at least hadn't been sent to the stables for something yet. Considering that a lucky thing she nodded having not been huge on the whole care of animals thing. Also not necessarily a kettle girl, though she did enjoy learning a little about the cooking and trying to help with that. "perhaps I am a house slave?" she murmured, setting some thyme to the right of the basket. Indeed, house slaves were often kept safe from the happenings outside and it was a decent position to have earned and be in with the abrupt change of her collar.


Shifting slightly, her thoughts traveled to sex or well just the release more so. As a spring of mint was placed to the opposite of the thyme and she picked up some more herbs to sort she thought on this some more. Life had made somewhat of a 360 in the last three years and her state was something akin to her time in the slavers house. Release was now found in the act of being within a controlled environment and that wasn't a bad thing. Separating more of the herbs, lifting a hand and scratching at her nose and thought more over, about her specific position. In her time here, with the other, she'd seen so many seem to come and go, at least two, maybe three. They had apparently spoken of how impossible the Master was to please. The task didn't seem so impossible, but those girls sought his collar explicitly and LiLi knew that life didn't work when the slave sought out anything, yet she was beginning to yearn the mattering to someone. Reflecting inwardly though, she didn't think it necessarily meant the Master Assassin. Perhaps when he found she was acceptable and someone came aboard, in time she would be given to someone. It perhaps wasn't pleasing, but she let herself reflect yet more. "Maybe in a year?" she mused, as it had taken a year of training for her to be ready at the slavers house. She'd been re-collared perhaps a month ago, that left nearly most of the year left. Time would tell and in that time she would continue to heal she supposed, because the echo left still ached and she was left to wonder, with questions she was to afraid to voice.


Finishing the herbs, she lifted from the ground and pushed those reflections away. Traveling back into the warehouse, back down into the complexes depths and through the hall. She placed the basket of fresh herbs on the counter top for Mary to inspect. Turning she mad her way to the slave kennels and hummed quietly. When let within the particular kennel she slept in, she settled in the corner and light an oil lamp she'd earned from the cook for her help in scrubbing the kitchen. Setting it to the side, letting it's glow illuminate a not to dark room, she looked into the piece of looking glass she kept in the bath and cosmetics box. Lifting it so she could look clearly at her face, letting that light from the flame illuminate everything in a slight honeyed glow, she stared for several moments before murmuring to herself. "I see a kajira, with red hair and green eyes. Skin, smooth as silk and alive, full of vibrancy." Pausing, letting her eyes travel over the reflection and back up "I am a good girl, I am not a throw away." That one touched a little to hard, to lighten the mood and keep on track with the repeat lesson she knew well, she kept things light and continued. "I see a slave who .... No, I am a slave, who gives whole heartedly and tries hard to be pleasing."


and there it was.... a profound moment. It mattered not, what had happened to or with Niles, it mattered not that she feared and didn't understand Ezekiel and it never mattered what she wanted. She was truly a slave, she gave with her heart and her goal was usually to be pleasing. or in the very least, not to be malicious of intent. "I will let myself start to feel like a human being again" she murmured quietly at her reflection. It didn't mean she expected anything, or even wanted anything, but she knew she couldn't remain in this suspended state of existing only and in this feeling, she would breathe, she would be beautiful and she would live, which meant she would be more pleasing.

and life goes on

So many changes. Each one that I have to make here, makes it burn all over again. But it has to be done and this was one of the things I'd forgotten to fix, change or do.

I'm not sure what else to say here, I'm putting my best food forward and doing my damnedest not to dwell. I know you'll never read this post or even this blog again, so maybe it's an opportune time to say fuck you for breaking my heart. Perhaps I should say, thanks for ripping away my very best friend, when you walked away; too? 16 days later and the wound is still pretty fresh. I still hurt, I'm still angry and I can definitely relate to a dog that's just been dropped off at a humane society. The people are good to me, the food's different, there's lots of visitors that come by and look at me.... but I'm sitting there blinking wondering what happened and where the hell my owner went. Once in awhile someone pets me and it eases the heartache and fear. Yeop...... I'm definitely feeling like that dog.

I'm trying hard to move forward, trying hard to make good impressions because anything less would disrespect and dishonor the two years you gave me. I also think giving you any further thought then that.... might be more then you deserve. It's all pretty complex. Being dumped sucks and sometimes.. well sometimes..... fuck you because I wish I didn't love you.

Words

I don't grow tired of you, ever.
I don't grow bored of you, ever.
I don't desire anyone above you.
I rarely desire anyone but you.

I don't want to overwhelm you.
I don't want you to get sick or tired of me.
I don't want to get neurotic when you need you time.
I should, but I don't feel guilty that you mean more to me then he does.

I do, swallow every single little fear down, when you need quiet you time.
I won't fly off the handle.
I will try to be patient and not needy right now.
I am more yours, then I've ever been anybody's anything.

Boiling Over

-old blog journaling-

My post the other day came at an emotional breaking point. My thoughts were tumbling one over the other and some of the other blogs I keep up with helped heighten that.. I'm embarrassed I posted those feelings but I think it's a learning experience, so it'll stay. I don't want this blog to get off track from what it's supposed to be or supposed to be about, so perhaps.. now in retrospect of the other days post... I can get this mini train wreck back on the road. This blog won't really make sense to anyone else reading unless they are me or my owner. But I feel it needs to be said, closure to all the stuff leading up to the post from the other day.

We spoke yesterday, about how every time you come online and I am here, I am instantly excited, happy, overwhelmed with desire. At first I told you I felt like it likened me to a golden retriever or the like, but then I took time to really think about this for a moment. It's not quite that.... for me, every time you come online and I am already here, my mind rekindles several moments, feelings and sensations. if I close my eyes now I can relive them yet again, so that's what I'll do, I'll close my eyes and just type, reliving those moments for you.... because for some profound reason.... I just really want you to see what I see, know what I think and feel in those first thirty seconds before I even message you to say hello.

- First is a scene of a girl chained and on her knee's in a basement. Though she played standoffish, refusing to acknowledge; the truth is that she was scared she would be left alone yet again. To afraid to let go and just feel. Days, maybe a week later.... pulled across your lap for the very first time, thighs straddled your waist and though this could be described as lewd in so many ways... it was a melting point. The opening of those thighs even in a non sexual way was the slip of when you'd first eased your way into my heart. To be joined so tightly to you, to feel the very first claim of your lips upon my own, your fingers stroked my neck, newly encased in the collar you allowed me to wear. Up to this point, it had been in my head, a collar that another girl had worn, though whether that was true or not I'll never know..... that point has ceased to have any meaning to me now. The inscription inside the black metal, the word that touches the sleek column of my throat.... do you remember what you told me it said? Admittedly I had forgotten at some point in this past year, but oddly when I was able to come back online again, the memory was clear as day and I know what it says, as if that evening a year ago was just yesterday.

This scene is the first to come to mind, it plays over in a matter of seconds, rolling into the second most prominent thing that always pops to mind.

Second..... this is a mish mash. a couple of things that has themselves together, cause my breath to hitch just a little behind the scenes. You strapping a belt upon me, over my hips. I won't go into the particulars of what kind of belt, only that it was made of black leather. I'm sure you know the one I mean. The intimacy and practicality of the act are at such stark contrasts. Of all the spoken and unspoken, it was a moment of trust and understanding between us, a time to show you my total devotion by listening, doing and following. I questioned nothing, I still don't and I have a feeling I never will. We traveled, it was a different experience to be sure and this is where the mish mash comes in..... Because the timing sequence is bits and pieces from all over the place. A series of sexual scenes come to mind.

- Laughing, so hard tears come to my eyes as you stormed Normandy and we took down Pearl Harbor as well as a few Trekkie Starships. It was so intense.... yet funny at the same time. I have no idea how it could be intense but it was.

- My back up against the bark of a tree, your fingers ringed closed around the front of my collar and me.. in real life so glued to the screen that my roast I was cooking in real life went fifteen minutes over what it should have. It was still edible, still very delicious... but you know me. I time things for my family so that they are in a state of perfection.

-Next comes back a bit, to when I finally ate a piece of meat from the toe of your boot in that basement, Or maybe it was bread; but for some reason I keep thinking there was gravy and my tongue lavished at that? While this alone may not seem sexual or in the least to you.... It was a moment of utter awakening sexuality to me. Just as it was when we were up in that yard and you pulled me into your lap that first time and I begged to kiss you.

- This may not make sense.... but the time I was having a really bad day.. I asked you to type something to make me feel. You blew me away. kissed me so profoundly, pulling me up by that collar about my throat, from that place where I was on my knees at your feet where I am just about every day even though real life has us off doing much other things, saving the world of pizza eaters and technically challenged in one swoop.

- Finding a way to be there, to be online when you sparred. Though I could say and do little if anything. It was a tremendous rush to be there, to be in the stands watching you, for people to see you there and to see the man that owned me. To see me there too and to know how much I utterly belonged to you. A totality of a slave so in need to be owned by this one man more then anything she's ever known in near a decade of Gor. It had my breath catching in my throat, if I could of I would have begged to be used right then after it all.

-Last but not least..... admitting to you I had grown to love you in my weird cyber land way..... I was so scared, so nervous you would reject me. This was a moment of the heart.... but as such things have a profound effect, I remember clearly that my panties were wet at the same time. Something about the fear mixed in with the admittance.

These are the things I always get in those first 30 seconds.... sometimes more, never less. Just the thoughts that flash into mind, just the tid bits every time when I'm already here and happen to catch you log online. it's such a rush of welling emotion in that moment, that it must be the reason why I get so excited, so hyper and happy to see you. At least that's the only reason I can come up with to ration out the -why- I get so excited. women, no one can claim we're rational creatures all the time, right?

I'm not perfect.... but I've seen enough of those perfect girls to know they never really last anyway. Burning out both themselves and their owners within a matter of months. it's now officially been over a year and I'd never take a moment of it back. Not a single one. This has been such an incredible journey for me and I hope for you as well. You are an inspiration to me; and even though I'm pretty good at keeping both feet on the ground.... I'm glad I have my moments with you, where in those few minutes or hours I can just let go. Maybe one day I'll let go of my insecurities, heck with your help just maybe I will.

Aggravation

-old blog journaling-

How incredibly trapped my fears have me. Expressing what I feel is a massive portion in my sense of self..... online. I feel like I need to find that place that was ok with myself having this medium to express submission while I continue to hold the reigns in reality.

I'm angry that I can't talk to Mr. Reality about this, I'm too scared of his judgement on me.... Hell I'm angry that I've admitted as much to Mr. Online.

I'm no freaking Batman... so why do my fears have me living an online secret identity?

Where, when, what, how and who

-old blog journaling-

When it's all said and done... how far will I take my fantsy and how far will it take me?

I've been in a position of too deep before, I'm careful.. very careful to not let myself sink so deep now a days. I wonder, does that hold me back from the things I want to experience? Personally, holding back seems like the responsible thing.. cause really.... yeah.

Do I rely on this fantasy so that I don't inevitably have to face my fears in reality or the profound loss I feel from not getting a few aspects of it in my real daily life?

I'm frustrated.. the one in reality, he doesn't see what I want or need. Hell he doesn't even see me, just what he wants to see. Then... there is the fantasy.... as fantasy's go.. he's perfect. Hell as reality goes he's pretty wonderful too.... and he let's me have that scrap of wall that I need, that piece of something so that I hold back from feeling 'all fantasy' and insteadk carry with me a secret piece of fantasy so that life with Mr. Reality and me pretending to be vanilla; is bearable.