Journalling through role play

It was there, in the courtyard, where she usually found herself. Tonight was no exception as she carried the basket of herbs and found a place to settle. A small bit of cool crisp grass within the garden. A place of sanctuary to be found in the harsh realities of life in Kar. How odd it was, that this quiet little slice of comfort was smack dab in the middle of a complex of killers.


Setting the basket down within her lap as she settled informally on the ground, she closed her eyes and began working with the two new herbs. Splitting them ff by touch and smell. Closing her eyes as she worked and pondered what kind of slave she was in this new sense of life. She'd known many different facets of her slavery through out her life and usually was able to adapt various bits and pieces of them in order to conform to each others individual needs and wants.


As she shifted through the herbs and sorted them, she too sorted through her thoughts, she wasn't a stable slave, or at least hadn't been sent to the stables for something yet. Considering that a lucky thing she nodded having not been huge on the whole care of animals thing. Also not necessarily a kettle girl, though she did enjoy learning a little about the cooking and trying to help with that. "perhaps I am a house slave?" she murmured, setting some thyme to the right of the basket. Indeed, house slaves were often kept safe from the happenings outside and it was a decent position to have earned and be in with the abrupt change of her collar.


Shifting slightly, her thoughts traveled to sex or well just the release more so. As a spring of mint was placed to the opposite of the thyme and she picked up some more herbs to sort she thought on this some more. Life had made somewhat of a 360 in the last three years and her state was something akin to her time in the slavers house. Release was now found in the act of being within a controlled environment and that wasn't a bad thing. Separating more of the herbs, lifting a hand and scratching at her nose and thought more over, about her specific position. In her time here, with the other, she'd seen so many seem to come and go, at least two, maybe three. They had apparently spoken of how impossible the Master was to please. The task didn't seem so impossible, but those girls sought his collar explicitly and LiLi knew that life didn't work when the slave sought out anything, yet she was beginning to yearn the mattering to someone. Reflecting inwardly though, she didn't think it necessarily meant the Master Assassin. Perhaps when he found she was acceptable and someone came aboard, in time she would be given to someone. It perhaps wasn't pleasing, but she let herself reflect yet more. "Maybe in a year?" she mused, as it had taken a year of training for her to be ready at the slavers house. She'd been re-collared perhaps a month ago, that left nearly most of the year left. Time would tell and in that time she would continue to heal she supposed, because the echo left still ached and she was left to wonder, with questions she was to afraid to voice.


Finishing the herbs, she lifted from the ground and pushed those reflections away. Traveling back into the warehouse, back down into the complexes depths and through the hall. She placed the basket of fresh herbs on the counter top for Mary to inspect. Turning she mad her way to the slave kennels and hummed quietly. When let within the particular kennel she slept in, she settled in the corner and light an oil lamp she'd earned from the cook for her help in scrubbing the kitchen. Setting it to the side, letting it's glow illuminate a not to dark room, she looked into the piece of looking glass she kept in the bath and cosmetics box. Lifting it so she could look clearly at her face, letting that light from the flame illuminate everything in a slight honeyed glow, she stared for several moments before murmuring to herself. "I see a kajira, with red hair and green eyes. Skin, smooth as silk and alive, full of vibrancy." Pausing, letting her eyes travel over the reflection and back up "I am a good girl, I am not a throw away." That one touched a little to hard, to lighten the mood and keep on track with the repeat lesson she knew well, she kept things light and continued. "I see a slave who .... No, I am a slave, who gives whole heartedly and tries hard to be pleasing."


and there it was.... a profound moment. It mattered not, what had happened to or with Niles, it mattered not that she feared and didn't understand Ezekiel and it never mattered what she wanted. She was truly a slave, she gave with her heart and her goal was usually to be pleasing. or in the very least, not to be malicious of intent. "I will let myself start to feel like a human being again" she murmured quietly at her reflection. It didn't mean she expected anything, or even wanted anything, but she knew she couldn't remain in this suspended state of existing only and in this feeling, she would breathe, she would be beautiful and she would live, which meant she would be more pleasing.

and life goes on

So many changes. Each one that I have to make here, makes it burn all over again. But it has to be done and this was one of the things I'd forgotten to fix, change or do.

I'm not sure what else to say here, I'm putting my best food forward and doing my damnedest not to dwell. I know you'll never read this post or even this blog again, so maybe it's an opportune time to say fuck you for breaking my heart. Perhaps I should say, thanks for ripping away my very best friend, when you walked away; too? 16 days later and the wound is still pretty fresh. I still hurt, I'm still angry and I can definitely relate to a dog that's just been dropped off at a humane society. The people are good to me, the food's different, there's lots of visitors that come by and look at me.... but I'm sitting there blinking wondering what happened and where the hell my owner went. Once in awhile someone pets me and it eases the heartache and fear. Yeop...... I'm definitely feeling like that dog.

I'm trying hard to move forward, trying hard to make good impressions because anything less would disrespect and dishonor the two years you gave me. I also think giving you any further thought then that.... might be more then you deserve. It's all pretty complex. Being dumped sucks and sometimes.. well sometimes..... fuck you because I wish I didn't love you.

Words

I don't grow tired of you, ever.
I don't grow bored of you, ever.
I don't desire anyone above you.
I rarely desire anyone but you.

I don't want to overwhelm you.
I don't want you to get sick or tired of me.
I don't want to get neurotic when you need you time.
I should, but I don't feel guilty that you mean more to me then he does.

I do, swallow every single little fear down, when you need quiet you time.
I won't fly off the handle.
I will try to be patient and not needy right now.
I am more yours, then I've ever been anybody's anything.

Boiling Over

-old blog journaling-

My post the other day came at an emotional breaking point. My thoughts were tumbling one over the other and some of the other blogs I keep up with helped heighten that.. I'm embarrassed I posted those feelings but I think it's a learning experience, so it'll stay. I don't want this blog to get off track from what it's supposed to be or supposed to be about, so perhaps.. now in retrospect of the other days post... I can get this mini train wreck back on the road. This blog won't really make sense to anyone else reading unless they are me or my owner. But I feel it needs to be said, closure to all the stuff leading up to the post from the other day.

We spoke yesterday, about how every time you come online and I am here, I am instantly excited, happy, overwhelmed with desire. At first I told you I felt like it likened me to a golden retriever or the like, but then I took time to really think about this for a moment. It's not quite that.... for me, every time you come online and I am already here, my mind rekindles several moments, feelings and sensations. if I close my eyes now I can relive them yet again, so that's what I'll do, I'll close my eyes and just type, reliving those moments for you.... because for some profound reason.... I just really want you to see what I see, know what I think and feel in those first thirty seconds before I even message you to say hello.

- First is a scene of a girl chained and on her knee's in a basement. Though she played standoffish, refusing to acknowledge; the truth is that she was scared she would be left alone yet again. To afraid to let go and just feel. Days, maybe a week later.... pulled across your lap for the very first time, thighs straddled your waist and though this could be described as lewd in so many ways... it was a melting point. The opening of those thighs even in a non sexual way was the slip of when you'd first eased your way into my heart. To be joined so tightly to you, to feel the very first claim of your lips upon my own, your fingers stroked my neck, newly encased in the collar you allowed me to wear. Up to this point, it had been in my head, a collar that another girl had worn, though whether that was true or not I'll never know..... that point has ceased to have any meaning to me now. The inscription inside the black metal, the word that touches the sleek column of my throat.... do you remember what you told me it said? Admittedly I had forgotten at some point in this past year, but oddly when I was able to come back online again, the memory was clear as day and I know what it says, as if that evening a year ago was just yesterday.

This scene is the first to come to mind, it plays over in a matter of seconds, rolling into the second most prominent thing that always pops to mind.

Second..... this is a mish mash. a couple of things that has themselves together, cause my breath to hitch just a little behind the scenes. You strapping a belt upon me, over my hips. I won't go into the particulars of what kind of belt, only that it was made of black leather. I'm sure you know the one I mean. The intimacy and practicality of the act are at such stark contrasts. Of all the spoken and unspoken, it was a moment of trust and understanding between us, a time to show you my total devotion by listening, doing and following. I questioned nothing, I still don't and I have a feeling I never will. We traveled, it was a different experience to be sure and this is where the mish mash comes in..... Because the timing sequence is bits and pieces from all over the place. A series of sexual scenes come to mind.

- Laughing, so hard tears come to my eyes as you stormed Normandy and we took down Pearl Harbor as well as a few Trekkie Starships. It was so intense.... yet funny at the same time. I have no idea how it could be intense but it was.

- My back up against the bark of a tree, your fingers ringed closed around the front of my collar and me.. in real life so glued to the screen that my roast I was cooking in real life went fifteen minutes over what it should have. It was still edible, still very delicious... but you know me. I time things for my family so that they are in a state of perfection.

-Next comes back a bit, to when I finally ate a piece of meat from the toe of your boot in that basement, Or maybe it was bread; but for some reason I keep thinking there was gravy and my tongue lavished at that? While this alone may not seem sexual or in the least to you.... It was a moment of utter awakening sexuality to me. Just as it was when we were up in that yard and you pulled me into your lap that first time and I begged to kiss you.

- This may not make sense.... but the time I was having a really bad day.. I asked you to type something to make me feel. You blew me away. kissed me so profoundly, pulling me up by that collar about my throat, from that place where I was on my knees at your feet where I am just about every day even though real life has us off doing much other things, saving the world of pizza eaters and technically challenged in one swoop.

- Finding a way to be there, to be online when you sparred. Though I could say and do little if anything. It was a tremendous rush to be there, to be in the stands watching you, for people to see you there and to see the man that owned me. To see me there too and to know how much I utterly belonged to you. A totality of a slave so in need to be owned by this one man more then anything she's ever known in near a decade of Gor. It had my breath catching in my throat, if I could of I would have begged to be used right then after it all.

-Last but not least..... admitting to you I had grown to love you in my weird cyber land way..... I was so scared, so nervous you would reject me. This was a moment of the heart.... but as such things have a profound effect, I remember clearly that my panties were wet at the same time. Something about the fear mixed in with the admittance.

These are the things I always get in those first 30 seconds.... sometimes more, never less. Just the thoughts that flash into mind, just the tid bits every time when I'm already here and happen to catch you log online. it's such a rush of welling emotion in that moment, that it must be the reason why I get so excited, so hyper and happy to see you. At least that's the only reason I can come up with to ration out the -why- I get so excited. women, no one can claim we're rational creatures all the time, right?

I'm not perfect.... but I've seen enough of those perfect girls to know they never really last anyway. Burning out both themselves and their owners within a matter of months. it's now officially been over a year and I'd never take a moment of it back. Not a single one. This has been such an incredible journey for me and I hope for you as well. You are an inspiration to me; and even though I'm pretty good at keeping both feet on the ground.... I'm glad I have my moments with you, where in those few minutes or hours I can just let go. Maybe one day I'll let go of my insecurities, heck with your help just maybe I will.

Aggravation

-old blog journaling-

How incredibly trapped my fears have me. Expressing what I feel is a massive portion in my sense of self..... online. I feel like I need to find that place that was ok with myself having this medium to express submission while I continue to hold the reigns in reality.

I'm angry that I can't talk to Mr. Reality about this, I'm too scared of his judgement on me.... Hell I'm angry that I've admitted as much to Mr. Online.

I'm no freaking Batman... so why do my fears have me living an online secret identity?

Where, when, what, how and who

-old blog journaling-

When it's all said and done... how far will I take my fantsy and how far will it take me?

I've been in a position of too deep before, I'm careful.. very careful to not let myself sink so deep now a days. I wonder, does that hold me back from the things I want to experience? Personally, holding back seems like the responsible thing.. cause really.... yeah.

Do I rely on this fantasy so that I don't inevitably have to face my fears in reality or the profound loss I feel from not getting a few aspects of it in my real daily life?

I'm frustrated.. the one in reality, he doesn't see what I want or need. Hell he doesn't even see me, just what he wants to see. Then... there is the fantasy.... as fantasy's go.. he's perfect. Hell as reality goes he's pretty wonderful too.... and he let's me have that scrap of wall that I need, that piece of something so that I hold back from feeling 'all fantasy' and insteadk carry with me a secret piece of fantasy so that life with Mr. Reality and me pretending to be vanilla; is bearable.

Move Me...

-Old Blog additions-


So.. You.... You're reading now... It makes me nervous. What will you see in this, what will you think about it and me.

On with today's post. So I've been working with another Master, a long known man in Gor, he trains slaves. I'm taking to heart my want, to be a more beautiful slave. With my Master's permission, he's putting me through my paces. For those new to Gor, or having no idea what this means.... well it means he is roleplaying with me. Checking, correcting and making me improve my positions, my knowledge of them and essentially... helping me shake off this rust I feel in the clarity, the simplicity and yet still being descriptive enough to be beautiful.


Walking:
One step before another, hips flared from side to side, my entire body moved in a wave, starting from the joints of my hips, ass swaying from side to side; breasts jiggled with the movement, hidden ever so slight beneath diaphanous satin of a light creamy hue. Turning upon the balls of my feet. Crimson mane, soft as silken ribbons, tickled as it'd teased about the flesh of my shoulders and cascaded down my back.

Nadu - Thentis:
I moved forth into the room, sculpted curve to my calves accentuated as I came to a stop and fluidly melted into a kneel within the center of the work space. Fingertips flitted ever so slight, out to the sides of my hips in keeping balance as my knee found the floor. My body undulated with the flirting grace as back bowed into delicate arch, swell of ass settling to my heels. My chin lifted, petite features upturned in proud tilting display of the collar about my throat. Glass green hues took in the sight of the floor before my knees even as they parted, thighs yawning into an aching V. Arms lifting to sink behind me, one after the other, wrists latticed and resting at the small of my back.

Submission:
I shifted, wrists releasing from their sanctuary at the Lowest point in the V of my back. Rising, two lithe limbs, placed before me and extending. My chin dropping, sculpted features nearly touching to my chest as my head bows in subjugation between my arms. Once my my wrists crossed, this time ahead of me. Stilling baited breath I blinked the image that rang to mind every time I committed this pose; a memory of standing before me awaiting the inevitable.

Crawl:
Pushing up, out from my haunches. Arms dropped, easy, palms placed to the floor as I leaned forward with the movement, my elbows too dropping down once I stretched out to petite lengths. Hips dipped one side and then the other with the movement, Ass swinging; breasts feeling plump and heavy the way they swung beneath me. Captured in a kiss by that satin fabric wrapped scantily about me. I moved in drawling fashion, my face just an inch away from the floor I crossed, finding a pair of his boots there.... in a corner.. I stopped just short of touching the toe of those boots, his boots..... Oh how I was sure he laughed to himself if and when he recalled my refusal and that crust of bread in those first days.


I have a lot more confidence today then the other day when I originally posted kneel. I think I am becoming more able to convey, in less words, a still beautiful description with accuracy. It's a different concept in writing for me.. I usually write a very large paragraph; that makes this a huge challenge.

Old dog, new tricks?

-More porting from old blog to new -

So I was recently talking with a free man friend of mine. I've known him through role play for many years. One of the things I'd expressed to him was that I feared I'm a little more then just rusty and felt like I used to be a pretty darn good slave and wanted to impress my owner with my 'return' to role play.

He asked me if I wanted to know a tip to seducing a man. Of course I said YES! and jumped at the opportunity to learn something new and hopefully be a better slave.

Now, I won't disclose that tip here. But I will practice a few poses using that tip from him and see how it feels, looking back at them in a few days as well as share this entry with him to get his input. I've tried one pose so far. It was harder then I thought, changing up my writing style and I'm fearing that maybe I'm over thinking it, so I'll post this pose, then read it, step back and think about it, go about my morning and then perhaps come back after a little time way and see if taking my mind off of this task makes it easier to sit down, type it out and just "do" it.



Pose One - Nadu:

Fingertips splayed, splashed over the soft lines of my belly, drizzling down my hips as my thighs parted and my knee’s met the hard contour of the floor. Breathless gasp escaping the delicate column of my throat from the momentum’s thrust of the movement. Smooth round gripable curve of ass, cradled within heels, my hands rubbed up and down the toned expanse of my thighs. Fingertips slipping and sliding up and down a few moments before coming to rest delicately upon tender flesh of my lap and my back curved into a near dangerous bow; offered up upon proverbial platter, breast and heart of a mere beast before man. Pale green hues pooled to rest upon your feet in subjugation even as my chin lifted, face tipped up and my tongues tip darted out between parted lips to slide quickly over the lower to moisten the tier should I be commanded to speak. Framed in those dangerously soft, red locks that fell from the crown of my head to spill about my shoulders, tickle at my breast and tease it’s path down my back.

Wants verses needs

Another post I didn't want to lose, so I'm adding it here.

So am I just now figuring it out? Or how about starting to figure it out? Maybe I've got it all wrong still?

I crave you today. I think it's because I'm suddenly able to be here now when we went for months with minimal contact.

I want to touch you.... to beg to touch you... to beg you to touch me. Saturday was a heady reunion, a reminder that it was you that claimed me. My insecurity leaves me to not want to tell you these things now. Especially since I know your busy.

I want to be that moment of relaxation, that breath of air between all of your life stresses. I want each moment you touch me to taste so sweet that you come back again and again.... even if means I wait in anticipation. Anticipation for things I only get to feel on a computer screen.

~ your animal

What's in a name

This is a previous blog post I had elsewhere. I've lost my log in info and so I'm re-blogging the posts here.

I was speaking with another slave earlier. We were speaking about names and it got me to thinking about my own past attachment to the names I've had.

My name has been changed a few times in the course of my online life and though I never complained, there was one I hated.

I can't say it's something I don't care about..... I'd probably cry if my name was changed to cuntface or asslick. But all in all, over time it's become something I'm not super worried about either.

I think it'll take some time to research through the novels to reacquaint myself with all the reasons men change a slaves name.

---- Update ----

Since this post, my name was changed from Lileah to I belong to Niles. To be honest.... I rejoiced in the name change. it's beautiful and unique. It identifies me as his property and adds that next level of awareness that everything I do in Gor, reflects on him.

Selective Service

It's come more to my awareness, slaves that offering a selective level of flirting with their service to other men. men who may not be necessarily who they desire, so they dial it down hoping these men won't try to get sexual or sensual with them.

Further on this, I am guilty of this exact same thing. I've been working on being consciously aware of my typing and posting style, and trying to remember that when I step into Gor, I have no choice in the matter of my slavery and the service I give. I'll post more on this later. But I just wanted to get it out there and maybe I'll include some of the training I've been doing, on getting my descriptives a little more detailed, even when I'm not necessarily interested at the moment, or if I'm just feeling lost.

there is afterall, more to slavery then serves, poses and sex. I'd really like to encompass this a little further and try to once again be the kajira my Master still see's in me.

Welcome to my little space on the web.

If you've found this blog, then you were already looking for information either in regards to role play or John Norman's Gor series, or even something about a Gorean kajira / slave..

I'm a roleplayer, most know me as I belong to Niles. Yes, in Gorean roleplay, that is my name. However many that have known me for many years call me Lileah or LiLi and this little space on the web is my haven. I will write things that are important in regards to my role play. Perhaps things I just want to document for myself and share. Feel free to look around and enjoy. :)